I woke up in the middle of last night - again. It's been happening very frequently since the past few days. I get up repeatedly in the middle of the night and take about an hour to fall asleep again. But then my mom wakes me up about two hours later and I groggy for the next couple of hours. I'm completely hating it. Ryan suggested some anti-anxiety pills and sleep medication. I can't begin to tell you how tempting the suggestion seemed, but I have decided not to resort to it. People tend to get addicted to them and become dependent on them for the rest of their life. Yes, it helps for a while. But it's no permanent solution.
I didn't tell him the reason though because it involves Nathan. Lately just about whenever I mention Nathan, he tightens his jaws and looks straight ahead. If I had X-ray vision, I bet I could see him biting his tongue as well. It's caused some fights between the two of us and I really don't have the energy to fight him on it anymore, especially after the fight today. Maybe I don't need to tell him. Given how well he knows me, I have a feeling he may already have some idea about it.
It was all taking place in whispered hushes during one of our classes. At the end of the class, Ryan disappeared. He didn't show up for the second class but he was present during the rounds. He's totally convinced that Nathan had a chronic case of cold feet. Ryan felt that sooner or later, he would back off. He told me about this sometime in April, when I was still involved with Nathan. Nathan was aware of this notion and he really didn't care. He had his own issues with Ryan for a while but at least I was able to solve them.
Surprisingly Ryan's thoughts didn't come as a shock to me, Ryan has never really liked any of the guys I have gone out with or even the ones I have crushed upon. He thinks I have the absolute worst taste when it comes to getting guys. Looking back at my romantic history, a part of me feels that he maybe on to something.
As I mentioned in the last para, Ryan and I had a fight. It all started when he asked me how long would I take to get over Nathan. I didn't know, so I told him exactly that. Given that I have exams from next month, I'm trying really really hard not to think about Nathan at any given moment of the day. He pressed me for an answer, giving me options of various time period. It was getting irritating. "I don't know. Don't you get it?", I growled.
"No! I don't! That's why I'm asking you!"
"What do you not get?", I asked. I just wanted him to shut up and let me concentrate on the lecture.
"I don't get why do you still having feelings for him! Most of the things you wanted, he had a problem with. So how could you be happy with him?", he asked me.
"Things can be negotiated!", I told him.
"They can! But you didn't negotiate. He said, you obeyed. Like a good little housewife!" he told me. There was silence for a while. "The only way I can figure it all added up is that either the sex was really good or he looked like an Abercombie & Fitch model! So what was it?"
Hearing that coming from Ryan, I totally lost it. "So I like being a little submissive. Is that really a crime? And not everything gets measured by body-rocking sex! And what is your problem?"
"My problem is that you are my best friend. And you don't get how much it sucks to see you miserable!"
"Whatever!", I said packing my books and moved a few benches ahead. I turned behind after sometime to see if he was still sitting there. Fortunately or unfortunately I can't quite decide, he wasn't there. He was probably hanging outside the boys common room. It is a plain simple fact at the end of the day, I don't know. I don't know when will I start feeling better again. I don't know when all the memories of Nathan will become just memories, with no feelings attached to them what so ever. Another person has been pressuring me to get over Nathan, I'm going to get to him sometime soon over here. It's not like I'm ungrateful to Ryan for helping me get better. He wanted to be there with me when I broke up. I do appreciate it! But I can't rush through this.
Personally I just wish that people around me would stop bringing Nathan up in conversation or when I deny some little thing, they would not ask me if it's because I'm still hung up on Nathan. Because of this I have lately started hanging out with my family more. Awesome distraction and nobody knows Nathan so nobody can ask anything about him or us. Blissful to the core, I tell you!
All I'm asking from people is to let me do it my own way. That's all!
I didn't tell him the reason though because it involves Nathan. Lately just about whenever I mention Nathan, he tightens his jaws and looks straight ahead. If I had X-ray vision, I bet I could see him biting his tongue as well. It's caused some fights between the two of us and I really don't have the energy to fight him on it anymore, especially after the fight today. Maybe I don't need to tell him. Given how well he knows me, I have a feeling he may already have some idea about it.
It was all taking place in whispered hushes during one of our classes. At the end of the class, Ryan disappeared. He didn't show up for the second class but he was present during the rounds. He's totally convinced that Nathan had a chronic case of cold feet. Ryan felt that sooner or later, he would back off. He told me about this sometime in April, when I was still involved with Nathan. Nathan was aware of this notion and he really didn't care. He had his own issues with Ryan for a while but at least I was able to solve them.
Surprisingly Ryan's thoughts didn't come as a shock to me, Ryan has never really liked any of the guys I have gone out with or even the ones I have crushed upon. He thinks I have the absolute worst taste when it comes to getting guys. Looking back at my romantic history, a part of me feels that he maybe on to something.
As I mentioned in the last para, Ryan and I had a fight. It all started when he asked me how long would I take to get over Nathan. I didn't know, so I told him exactly that. Given that I have exams from next month, I'm trying really really hard not to think about Nathan at any given moment of the day. He pressed me for an answer, giving me options of various time period. It was getting irritating. "I don't know. Don't you get it?", I growled.
"No! I don't! That's why I'm asking you!"
"What do you not get?", I asked. I just wanted him to shut up and let me concentrate on the lecture.
"I don't get why do you still having feelings for him! Most of the things you wanted, he had a problem with. So how could you be happy with him?", he asked me.
"Things can be negotiated!", I told him.
"They can! But you didn't negotiate. He said, you obeyed. Like a good little housewife!" he told me. There was silence for a while. "The only way I can figure it all added up is that either the sex was really good or he looked like an Abercombie & Fitch model! So what was it?"
Hearing that coming from Ryan, I totally lost it. "So I like being a little submissive. Is that really a crime? And not everything gets measured by body-rocking sex! And what is your problem?"
"My problem is that you are my best friend. And you don't get how much it sucks to see you miserable!"
"Whatever!", I said packing my books and moved a few benches ahead. I turned behind after sometime to see if he was still sitting there. Fortunately or unfortunately I can't quite decide, he wasn't there. He was probably hanging outside the boys common room. It is a plain simple fact at the end of the day, I don't know. I don't know when will I start feeling better again. I don't know when all the memories of Nathan will become just memories, with no feelings attached to them what so ever. Another person has been pressuring me to get over Nathan, I'm going to get to him sometime soon over here. It's not like I'm ungrateful to Ryan for helping me get better. He wanted to be there with me when I broke up. I do appreciate it! But I can't rush through this.
Personally I just wish that people around me would stop bringing Nathan up in conversation or when I deny some little thing, they would not ask me if it's because I'm still hung up on Nathan. Because of this I have lately started hanging out with my family more. Awesome distraction and nobody knows Nathan so nobody can ask anything about him or us. Blissful to the core, I tell you!
All I'm asking from people is to let me do it my own way. That's all!
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