Way back before Nathan had met me, there was another person in his life and this person happened to be a girl. Yes, Nathan was mostly gay. Rarely did any girl turn him on, but there was this one girl that managed the seemingly impossible task previously only female celebrities managed. They were a couple for sometime. In fact things were so fantastic between them that they had started planning a life for themselves. Their families were really good friends and everyone was expecting that this one is going to go long and go really good. Unfortunately that wasn't how it turned out. It didn't end smoothly and there was some heavy damage unto Nathan.
When Nathan met me, he was mostly over the girl. He had grown as a person and as a man, he refused to let things get to him. He told me the journey since then had been hard but it had forced him to grow up even more in many ways. He enjoyed being himself more now and mostly he had learned to depend on himself only. Our relationship was still in the early stages and one of my insecurities back then was loosing Nathan to her. Even if you take out the fact that she was a girl, it was also a fact that she was his childhood sweetheart. In every possible manner, she had the odds stack against me. If it ever come out to picking up the dukes, I would have gone down in 10 seconds flat no matter how hard I would have fought.
The society, especially my society; accepts only a man and woman in union as a couple. Anything else is unnatural and more or less of an abomination. Yes, 'abomination' is the word a teacher of mine recently used to describe any homosexual relation - physical or emotional. Nathan had repeatedly told me that he felt absolutely nothing for her now except for a natural sense of a genuine wish that her life turns out to be as she wants it to be - such a gentleman. Those words however didn't do anything to convince me. I still believed that this girl could blow out my candle with a simple snap of her fingers generated 10 miles away. Yes, I was incredibly insecure. However I didn't whine about it. Maybe it was all in my head and possibly it all would go away with time. Whining repeatedly would probably annoy Nathan as well.
My insecurity was high to such a level that once I even asked Nathan if he still had feelings for her. Denying it, Nathan told me there is a reason she is his past and will remain that way. They were really good, Nathan accepted that fact. However there were moments of doubt in his mind when it came to making the relationship work and Nathan pointed out to a few pointers in her that annoyed him. But he was open-minded enough to look over them. There is nothing here that I needed to be worried for or feel insecure about, he stated.
The same night I went over our conversation and I asked myself, why am I so insecure about loosing Nathan to her?. And then something like a light bulb suddenly lit up in my head. The other real reason why I was so insecure about this was that if there ever was an opportunity when Gracie came forward to take a permanent place in my life by my side; I would be seriously tempted everything I have just to be accepted and to be at somewhat ease.
But just like the girl in Nathan's past had closed any doors for Nathan, Gracie had done just the same with me. She had closed every possible door, leaving us to be nothing more than very good friends. We're such good friends that people have often mistaken us for a couple. We're such good friends that Gracie's mother once asked her if she's considering me for something long-term. We're such good friends that Ryan believes we can actually become one of those it couples as the chemistry is literally right there. I know it! I knew it! She doesn't! Or maybe she does, can't say!
The only way to get over this insecurity is to get over the idea that Gracie and I could be something together. The time when I opened my mouth, it was horrible. Our friendship was shattered to such an extent that I didn't expect it to ever get back to how it was. But I worked hard on it and we're back. She still confides in me. I'm still the only guy who she allows to share her plate. She is still open to considering things I suggest. So maybe that's the way things are meant to be.
We would be just really good friends. However no matter how good of a friend she will be, I can't ever tell her everything about me.
With those thoughts I put a pause on the Gracie page in my life. Yes, she's my sweetheart! But if I don't let her go, I won't ever be fully secure about Nathan and me. Girl Power!, it gets the best in all of us - straight or gay, really doesn't make any difference.
When Nathan met me, he was mostly over the girl. He had grown as a person and as a man, he refused to let things get to him. He told me the journey since then had been hard but it had forced him to grow up even more in many ways. He enjoyed being himself more now and mostly he had learned to depend on himself only. Our relationship was still in the early stages and one of my insecurities back then was loosing Nathan to her. Even if you take out the fact that she was a girl, it was also a fact that she was his childhood sweetheart. In every possible manner, she had the odds stack against me. If it ever come out to picking up the dukes, I would have gone down in 10 seconds flat no matter how hard I would have fought.
The society, especially my society; accepts only a man and woman in union as a couple. Anything else is unnatural and more or less of an abomination. Yes, 'abomination' is the word a teacher of mine recently used to describe any homosexual relation - physical or emotional. Nathan had repeatedly told me that he felt absolutely nothing for her now except for a natural sense of a genuine wish that her life turns out to be as she wants it to be - such a gentleman. Those words however didn't do anything to convince me. I still believed that this girl could blow out my candle with a simple snap of her fingers generated 10 miles away. Yes, I was incredibly insecure. However I didn't whine about it. Maybe it was all in my head and possibly it all would go away with time. Whining repeatedly would probably annoy Nathan as well.
My insecurity was high to such a level that once I even asked Nathan if he still had feelings for her. Denying it, Nathan told me there is a reason she is his past and will remain that way. They were really good, Nathan accepted that fact. However there were moments of doubt in his mind when it came to making the relationship work and Nathan pointed out to a few pointers in her that annoyed him. But he was open-minded enough to look over them. There is nothing here that I needed to be worried for or feel insecure about, he stated.
The same night I went over our conversation and I asked myself, why am I so insecure about loosing Nathan to her?. And then something like a light bulb suddenly lit up in my head. The other real reason why I was so insecure about this was that if there ever was an opportunity when Gracie came forward to take a permanent place in my life by my side; I would be seriously tempted everything I have just to be accepted and to be at somewhat ease.
But just like the girl in Nathan's past had closed any doors for Nathan, Gracie had done just the same with me. She had closed every possible door, leaving us to be nothing more than very good friends. We're such good friends that people have often mistaken us for a couple. We're such good friends that Gracie's mother once asked her if she's considering me for something long-term. We're such good friends that Ryan believes we can actually become one of those it couples as the chemistry is literally right there. I know it! I knew it! She doesn't! Or maybe she does, can't say!
The only way to get over this insecurity is to get over the idea that Gracie and I could be something together. The time when I opened my mouth, it was horrible. Our friendship was shattered to such an extent that I didn't expect it to ever get back to how it was. But I worked hard on it and we're back. She still confides in me. I'm still the only guy who she allows to share her plate. She is still open to considering things I suggest. So maybe that's the way things are meant to be.
We would be just really good friends. However no matter how good of a friend she will be, I can't ever tell her everything about me.
With those thoughts I put a pause on the Gracie page in my life. Yes, she's my sweetheart! But if I don't let her go, I won't ever be fully secure about Nathan and me. Girl Power!, it gets the best in all of us - straight or gay, really doesn't make any difference.
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